“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ~Eleanor Roosevelt
“Calm yourself down. It’s okay. All is well.”
Clutching the sterile white table, the world spun around me in the laboratory, a whirlwind of disorientation. “Just an anxiety attack,” I reassured myself. “It will pass.”
Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply, willing my constricted chest to expand. Beads of cold sweat traced my spine as I wrestled with the waves of panic, overwhelm, and disappointment. The feeling was suffocating, a storm within me.
My life had become an aimless drift, a rudderless vessel. How had I reached this point? I had a plan, didn’t I?
Six years dedicated to science, a pathway I thought would lead to a significant impact on the world. A purpose-driven career, aiming to create a legacy, to be remembered, to matter.
But here I stood, hollow, purposeless, unhappy.
Trapped in a monotonous cycle—work, eat, sleep, repeat—I had forsaken social connections, hobbies, and joys. My existence had been reduced to research papers, a contribution I believed would elevate others’ lives. Yet, it felt meaningless. Void.
My efforts seemed futile; I bolstered pharmaceutical giants while my aspirations languished. Amidst doubts and disappointment, I found myself lagging behind peers of my age.
In the depth of night, disillusionment and frustration became my companions. A nagging thought haunted me: What if I departed without leaving a trace, my life a mere whisper in history’s tumult?
The pursuit of purpose had transformed into an obsession, a relentless drive. But was I chasing purpose for the sake of meaning or to validate my existence?
The Search for Purpose and the Abyss of Emptiness
After the humiliating breakdown in the lab, I embarked on a fervent quest—a relentless journey to unearth my purpose and salvage my life from insignificance.
Countless blogs, articles, self-help books devoured, each touting the significance of aligning passion with contribution.
Yet, my entire life had been a pursuit of purpose. My focus, my energy, channeled into academics, into a trajectory that seemed prudent but lacked passion.
An impasse confronted me—a passionless pursuit yielding emptiness. I had forgotten the joys that lay dormant—walks bathed in sunlight, leisurely afternoons in the garden, the joy of a jigsaw puzzle.
Guilty and condemned by my own standards, I sidelined these pursuits. They weren’t meaningful enough, they lacked purpose.
Months elapsed, desperation grew. The very pursuits that could have added color to my existence seemed irrelevant against my unrelenting quest for purpose.
In the grip of anxiety, frustration, and despair, I teetered on the precipice of surrendering to an unfulfilled existence. Was my life truly insignificant, devoid of purpose?
The Revelation: Purpose vs. Self-Worth
Amid this whirlwind, a radical thought surfaced—was my quest for purpose a reflection of my deep-seated belief in my own worthlessness?
The motivation underlying my ceaseless pursuit became clear—I felt unworthy, undeserving of life’s pleasures without a purpose. I believed that only through accomplishments could I validate my existence, earn recognition, and stake a claim to happiness.
The very absence of purpose fostered a void, a deficit of worth. I felt smaller, inferior, less than those who seemed to find their calling and contribute. The void magnified my own perceived insignificance.
This distorted perspective had me ensnared, perpetually seeking, yet never finding. A life of worthlessness seemed my destiny.
The Paradigm Shift: Embracing Inherent Worth
The breakthrough occurred with the birth of my daughter. As I held her, innocence radiating from her being, I understood that she held inherent worth, despite her accomplishments.
A radical realization struck—I had misunderstood worth all along. It wasn’t an achievement to be earned, a validation to be sought. Worth was intrinsic, a core element of being.
From this understanding, a shift occurred. No longer did I need to incessantly prove my worth through purpose. Worth wasn’t conditional—it was my essence, irrespective of accomplishments.
The Liberation: Rediscovering Joy
Five years after the lab episode, I abandoned the relentless quest and embraced a new narrative—one of intrinsic worth.
“I am worth,” I affirmed, challenging the ingrained notion of worthlessness. Each affirmation weakened the grip of purpose-driven obsession.
Gradually, joy crept back. Pursuits were no longer tethered to purpose. The joy of the garden, the delight in a puzzle—these were no longer idle indulgences but expressions of self-care.
Even within my scientific career, a renewed perspective surfaced. The pressure to excel lifted, revealing the joy of the journey itself. No longer was purpose a mandatory precursor to worthiness.
The True Purpose: To Be Happy
A profound truth emerged—I was worth simply because I existed. The pursuit of happiness, growth, and embracing life’s experiences was the very essence of living with purpose.
We contribute, not to validate worth, but to enhance lives and share our unique perspectives. Purpose might amplify happiness, yet it isn’t a precondition for living a meaningful life.
The pursuit of purpose, once my prison, transformed into a journey of self-discovery, happiness, and self-acceptance. No longer confined by worthlessness, I walked a path illuminated by the radiance of intrinsic worth.
As you walk your own path, remember: you are worth, here and now. Purpose adds to your journey, but it isn’t the prerequisite. Each step, however aimless, has meaning. Your life, inherently meaningful, is yours to cherish and celebrate.
