“In any given moment, you possess the ability to declare: This is not how the story ends.” ~Christine Mason Miller
Some time ago, my partner’s father (let’s call him D) directed hurtful words at me. A few weeks later, it happened again, this time with even greater intensity and personal nature.
When I calmly confronted him about his unacceptable behavior, his anger flared, and for several months, he employed every tactic available to create distance between my partner and me.
For a while, he succeeded.
Suddenly, I found myself consumed by this confrontation, replaying it in my mind like a relentless, distressing movie. I felt perpetually sad, both due to the persistent aggression and the shattering of my unconscious assumptions (“We’re family!” and “It should be better than this!”).
Most crucially, this ordeal transformed me from the happy, joyful individual I once was. Instead, anger, resentment, and isolation enveloped me, leaving me trapped in a pit of negativity.
We all long for acceptance, visibility, and love, but those desires wane when we’re preoccupied by feelings of victimhood.
While it’s undeniable that D’s actions were unjustifiable, it’s equally undeniable that I permitted myself to be affected by them.
We often hear that until a lesson is learned, it will persist. Having gleaned insights from my own journey, I can share how I moved past the anger and hurt:
- Recognize the Source of Negativity: People who inflict misery on others are often grappling with their own despair and self-loathing. Understanding that D’s actions were an extension of his inner turmoil, I chose compassion over retaliation. Acknowledging the root of aggression allows us to respond with understanding instead of adding to the negativity.
- Stand by Your Morals: As D’s attacks escalated, my partner’s family urged me to appease him. Yet, I understood that while appeasement might have smoothed things over, it wouldn’t have been right. Staying true to my principles, I refused to compromise my integrity. Maya Angelou’s words resonated: “Right may not be expedient, it may not be profitable, but it will satisfy your soul.” Upholding our integrity safeguards us against being altered by negativity.
- Set Compassionate Boundaries: Contrary to popular belief, compassionate boundaries can be established. While I couldn’t sever ties with D entirely, I made it clear that future attacks would not be tolerated. By cultivating a mental, emotional, and physical safe haven, we control what enters our hearts and minds. This doesn’t transform the aggressor, but it empowers us to minimize future harm.
- Maintain Calmness and Authenticity: Amid D’s attacks, I fought to remain composed. Though retaliating was tempting, I’m relieved I refrained. Reacting aggressively only fuels the fire. Instead, I visualized myself five years ahead, pondering actions that would make me proud. Choosing calmness and authenticity, even in the face of aggression, paves the way to healing.
- Focus on Your Growth: I realized I couldn’t single-handedly “fix” the situation, as it involved more than just me. My desperate attempts to change others’ perceptions and actions were in vain. The true breakthrough came when I accepted that my safety, respect, and love must originate from within. I took charge of setting boundaries, creating safe spaces, and demanding better treatment. By engaging in activities that brought joy and fulfillment, I found healing.
Inescapably, people will hurt us. However, we have the power to determine how we respond. Rather than nurturing anger and resentment, we can opt for forgiveness and growth. Channeling negativity from others into strength and positivity empowers us to rewrite our narrative. By choosing our response, we reclaim control, strengthen ourselves, and ultimately reshape our ending.
